| Did a steam roller run me over? Cuz it feels like it. |
[28 Jul 2005|10:40am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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I can't fully describe the exhaustion I am feeling. Yes I am loving working with these kids this week. However It is really draining on me. I haven't worked since the 9th of April and even then I was on a part time schedule. Nor have I driven out to Boise since that day. I have only driven around in Nampa. If I went out to Boise I was with someone else who was driving.
Yesterday I drove myself in to boise and on the freeway for the first time since April. It felt good getting out like that. The heat has been killer, but finally last night things began to cool down and this morning has been nice. It is only like 75 F. the cool fresh air feels so absolutely wonderful.
On top of all I have been doing, things went terribly wrong yesterday. Basically I ended up running around ot the bank, the police dept and many other unfun things.
I got to make a bunch of changes and today I was up early and at the courthouse and dmv getting somethings done. I still have much more to do today and tomorrow.
I really didn't want to eat this morning, but I did grab a cinnamon roll. Yeah not the healthiest of meals, but atleast it is something.
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| I wish I may, I wish I might... |
[27 Jul 2005|04:09pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
] |
I am so worrried and upset about someone. I have some crappy news to break to them. I know it really is out of my hands, but nonetheless I feel absolutely horrible about it.
I just wish I had better news to give him. I wish I could make things all better for him.
What I can do is be his friend. I just hope it is enough. In his voice I can hear a sadness. A saddness from life and all of its pitfalls.
I wish I could hold him tonight. Even more so I wish I had better news to give him. It is breaking my heart just thinking about it.
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| And the lizard flies in his under pants... |
[27 Jul 2005|04:01pm] |
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mood |
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 sore |
] |
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music |
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Iris- Goo Goo Dolls |
] |
or something like that.
Anyway I got this idea from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) catzen20
Is there something you have thought about asking me but wasn't sure if you could ask? Well feel free to ask away!!!
You can ask anonymously if you are more comfortable with that.
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| Iris: |
[27 Jul 2005|03:47pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
] |
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am</i>
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
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| I do have squirrely wrath you know. It is one of our hidden Nature things.... |
[27 Jul 2005|03:39pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
] |
You've been Warned!!!
gotta love Foamy!!!
I have been running around so much today. I have NO idea how I will survive tonight with all the rugrats. hee hee hee
They are so cute. It really is worth all this exhaustion and sore legs and feet and back. There is more I have to get done, but it will have to wait for another day.
While out shopping I kept debating if I should get some new clothes or not. I just can't wear so much of my wardrobe with all the weight I have lost. It is weird trying on clothes. I am having a hard time realizing that I am a lot thinner then before. I can no longer shop in the Womens/plus size sections. The clothes are WAY too big on me and I feel like I am swimming in them and feel very frumpy.
I caved in a bought a majoring cute pair of gold sandals, 1 shirt one blouse and a gorgeous skirt. I am being very careful with my money but I do need things that I fit in. I have been wearing make up again and LIP GLOSS!!! I love lip gloss. Even if I didn't wear makeup I stil liked to slap on some lipgloss.
I haven't worn makeup much since I had gotten very ill and had surgery in march. I am taking much more care in my appearance. It feels good.
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| oooooooo |
[26 Jul 2005|03:40pm] |
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mood |
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 embarrassed |
] |
and aladriana I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry about yesterday. I lost my net connection and couldn't get back to you. I had hoped to see you online today, but I won't be around I don't think. I may try to log onto aim via my phone but there have been technical difficulties hindering me from logging in.
I really enjoyed talking ot you yesterday. Hopefully I will catch you tomorrow
*hugs*
On a weirder note I had one PHUKKED UP dream. I was in vegas and I met Tom Cruise and had to help save him and I had Allyssa Milano as my girlfriend LOL That part was totally hot and heavy and erotic. heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *gigglesnort* well she is a hottie!!!
Ok what is weirder is my phukked up sister Megan had a crazy dream that she was in vegas too. *giggles* *muwah* baby Ya know i love you!!!
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| Exhausted but it is a good exhaustion. |
[26 Jul 2005|03:34pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
] |
Last night was awesome with the younger kids. I had a blast with them and am looking forward to tonight even though I am so tired and sore from running around and playing with them.
Today I was invited to go out Sunday after noon to the river and a bbq for everyone in their 20's and 30's. I am still a little leary aboutgoing out with people I don't know. My mom said I may not beable to go and I thought it was because she understood how I am feeling but no it was because she is worried about me out in the river and thinks I would get hurt. *shakes head* yeah she still sees me as her little girl at times.
I just am not sure if I am ready to go out with others like that. I use to be able to all the time.
Well I just will wait and see how it goes this week.
I am a bit cranky and haven't gotten things done that I needed and/or wanted too. My mother is off work today and just getting on my nerves with her running aorund and panicing about things for tonight.
so tomorrow when she is at work, is when I will sit down and get things done and get back on track with rping. sorry to those I owe tags too, I just can't get to it today.
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| So much to do.... |
[25 Jul 2005|01:14pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
] |
I hadn't expected to be so busy this week, but it feels good in a tired and exhausted yet satisfying sort of way. I have been busy making labels and getting ideas for tonight. My lil "mini me" is going to be there tonight. She is one of the kids in my division. I can't wait to see my niece Jessi. She is just too cute for words and like me in so many ways.
My other niece Kendra who is so kind and sweet will also be there, but she is with the older kids. I just am really excited about doing this.
EEEEEEKKKKK I am running out of time and there is so much to do.
I love working with kids. It is so much fun seeing them laugh and smile as they play and learn.
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| How did I get here? |
[25 Jul 2005|01:00pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
] |
So much has happened in my life recently, that I can hardly believe. I chose a path in life to follow and somewhere along the line I made a detour Marrying John was a mistake. I tried so hard to make it work, but the problem was that I was the only one actually trying. I was expected to bend and change to fit what he expected and just accept John just the way he was. In ten years of marriage I have grown and matured, while John stayed the same. He didn't want to change and would even tell me that he wouldn't change. He would say things like this is who he is and I have to deal with it.
Was that right? Oh hell no it wasn't right. I lost focus on things that had once been dear to me. I tried so hard to comform to what he wanted me to be and do. Along the line, I forgot who I really was. I had goals and dreams that I gave up, because it seemed like a total lose. I wanted to find something new to believe in. I wanted to try and find new dreams and goals. Confusion and chaos began to rule my life. I was scared and lost in this world.
( But because it is long...... )
I did catch the service and was stunned at the message Pastor Gordon shared. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I realize now that though I had given up on my dreams, God never did give up on me. Afterwards I met the Pastor, he had seen me before but couldn't remember where or how. You see I didn't sit with my parents so people didn't realize who I was. The pastor approached me and aplogized that he coudln't remember my name. I smiled and told him and thanked him for the message. His eyes lit up and he smiled real big. He knew me now. He knows what I have been through and has been praying for me all this time. He shared with me that he had a totally different sermon planned for that morning, but last night he was praying and felt that he needed to give the message he did give.
After that I changed my clothes and got to work aroudn the church. I did say I could help out this week if they needed help at VBS and this is the amazing part.
There are suppose to be 2 directors running this. One for the older kids 6 through 11 year olds and one for the 3 to 5 year olds. I am going to be the director running the program for the 3 to 5 year olds. I love working with the kids at this age. There are so much fun and I have a special place in my heart for these kids at this age.
It mainly has to do with my own life. My parents didn't go to church but on rare occasions to Latin Mass in the catholic church and I had NO idea what was going on. Now my mother did because she knew latin. Still I didn't know about God or Jesus until the first time I went to Sunday school when I was 4 years old. That day I will never forget. It was a day that I asked Jesus into my heart. My Dad wasn't thrilled at all about it. He didn't even WANT to go to church and had pretty much turned his back on God, while my Mother was happy for me.
Yes I grew up in a christian home but my parents never forced us to believe in Jesus and when we were old enough to stay home alone they didn't tell us that we HAD to go to church. It was our decision. Much like how my parents never discussed politics with us when we were younger. My Dad refused to tell us which political party he was registered with or even who he was voting for. He wanted us to come to our own conclusions and make our own decisions.
Well now I am the Director for VBS and will have a volunteer staff under me. These people don't know me and have no idea all the experience I do have in running sunday school or VBS. I even was paid to go to other churches and run VBS for them. I really don't want to deal with church politics. Those who have been with the church longer and feel they have some seniority ranking ignoring me or trying to push me around to their will, I really want to avoid. I gotta somehow find my back bone and still come across humble and appreciative of everyones help. O h I expect that atleast one person will want to bump heads with me and see how strong I really am and run all over me. I just need a lot of patience, understanding, compassion and COFFEE!!! hee hee hee
When I thought about going to church again since I am not working on Sundays anymore and also getting more involved with the church, I expected it to be a nice slow process with baby steps. I didn't expect something with this kind of magnitude. Well I guess I will get to meet new people and possible make some new friends this week. This is really exciting and I think I am going to have a lot of fun mixed up with a bit of stress. hee hee hee
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| I just love this song. |
[24 Jul 2005|08:52pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
] |
Artist: Maroon 5 Lyrics
Song: She Will Be Loved Lyrics
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn’t matter anymore
It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want
I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
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| I wrote this last night............. |
[24 Jul 2005|08:03pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
Awareness of Rape and domestic violence is not covered enough. I am a victim of both and am horrified by the lack of support and help. For myself, I have had the most difficult 5 months of my life.
( Cut to save your friends pages. )
Will anyone hear my cries? Will they even care?
Sometimes I feel so very alone. Then again, there are times I want to be alone. Deep down I find the courage to face each day. Though I am broken hearted, I am loved. Love is a reason to live. To love and to be loved, are truly good reasons to face each day and the next one.
Trust has been broken and it is so hard to reach out and meet new friends or even know if your old friends can be trusted. I am constantly second guessing myself and find it hard to make a simple decision like “Do I want to wear blue or green?” I can’t say each day is getting better because some days are worse then others, even if you have been having better ones. Set backs like that are so devastating and painful.
So there you have it, long and rambling tale of me. Writing it out like this has really helped me put things into perspective. I even am smiling at this very moment. Now that is a good thing.
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| ugh |
[24 Jul 2005|08:02pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
] |
I am tired and totally exhausted. I ended up going to church this morning and sticking around to help out for vacation bible school this week. I have much to say but am exhausted. I will be the Driector of the kids 3 to 5, which will be fun. I just know I am end up butting heads with people from the church who don't know me and may feel threatened in some weird church politics way.
oh well..........
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| I won't be around much today. |
[23 Jul 2005|08:23am] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
] |
My mother needs ot use the phone today because she is putting on a vacation bible school next week and is expecting a bunch of calls.
However on my cell phone you I can get emails and instant message.
my new email is auroradawn72@aol.com
that is also the aim name I will be logged on to my phone. Yahoo is easier to chat with and that is dee_happy_one
Feel free to say hi or ask any game related questions, or what not.
*hugs*
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| A sweet Sadness swept over me |
[22 Jul 2005|05:03pm] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
] |
Today I found myself very melancholy. For so long I had believed that love was enough. Then again if the love is just one way then it isn't enough. Why are others more successful in love, while others. I was so tempted to get a blade and cut myself today. I really am not sure what brought on that desire, but it was there. A deep sadness wondering if I was a failure.
No I did not do anything like cut myself today or even starve myself. I somehow managed to get past those temptations. It is a small step and I may falter later, but I need not be so hard on myself when I fall back.
My doctor has helped me understand the why's and such. He won't tell me to never do it. In away it is helping me cope. It is keeping me alive. Yes it is quite destructive, but taking my life would be even worse.
Love, compassion and understanding from dear friends who are there for me. Eli you are such a blessing and have been there for me even in my darkest hours. You never judged me, you just loved me. spiritofstlouis also has been a blessing and a good friend to me through these times. His compassion and insight have comforted me and gave me hope that tomorrow could be a better day.
My dear ewie who makes me smile and has lent her ear to me, also has been a true help to me. Hunter your strength and understanding give me comfort knowing I am not alone in this world. Annie your kind heart and smile brightens my days. Meghan you make me laugh, smile and let down my hair and be goofy with. You really up are PHukked up sister. hee hee hee
There are so many that I could list. so many who have given me hugs when I needed them, and liistened to me when I was hurting. Each of you are near and dear to me. Each of you so different and unique. Each of you never judging me and accepting me for who I am. Thank you.
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| You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello |
[22 Jul 2005|03:27pm] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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For New Years I sat myself down and wrote a letter to the Lord. In my letter I asked God to help me be stronger. I wanted things in me to be removed. I wanted to lbe able to smile again and fbe whole. I prayed for God's will in my life. I prayed about my marriage and gave it up to God to help me be strong and be free of John. I asked for God's will to be done in my life. I prayed about my health asking for God to help the doctor's discover why I had been so sick. so that I could be well again. I prayed about relationships with others. As I was writing I knew the next few months would be painful.
A phrase form an old song comes to mind. Break, Burn, Heal...Make Me New Again. That is what I asked God to do in my life.
I know everyone has their own beliefs and I would never put anyone down for what they believe. I admire thosewho are strong in their beliefs and have a great faith in their God/s or Goddess/'. I do not wish to upset others or offend anyone with what I am writing about. This is my journal and my space and my Faith is a part of me.
anyway back to what I was thinking about. I look back now and see God's Hand in my life. No I do not believe it was God's Will that I be raped and abused. I do recognize that when we try to get our life in order and be spiritually aligned there is opposion that would try to break you down and keep you from your goals.
I do know that I can take what I have been through and allow God to use me to reach out to others. So what was meant to break me, would be in turn used to make me stronger and give me the empathy and understanding of what others have been through and I can be there to support and help them. I have a deeper compassion for others then ever before.
Last night was a long night. I was on the phone late into the night with my friend spiritofstlouis. We both started talking more and more deeply about things in life and God. I opened up and shared with him so very personal things that I have never been able to share with anyone. There are just somethings others just never could understand. It was very hard to talk about, but I realized I could talk to him and he would be understanding. It was awesome. God sometimes puts people in our lives to help us or to be there for them. I am greatful that God has brought him into my life. It is very rare that I have found someone so well rounded and grounded in their faith and be balanced like him. It was just amazing to be able to talk so openly with him.
I know I ran and left my faith behind me, because I was hurt, and very much afraid. Early this year I was going through a lot of changes and growing stronger. Those changes have helped me to become focused and happy again.
Also in my letter to God I prayed that not only would He bring people into my life whom know the Lord, but also that my family would finally see what John was doing to me and be there for me.
I look back right now and know that God did hear my prayers and is even now continuing to answer them. I feel very loved and blessed.
And so today I was on my knees praying for loved ones and also seeking for guidance in my life. It felt good.
I sit here now wondering where will this next part of my life lead. And you know what, I strongly believe that not only will I get better but my future will be full of blessings and joy. The season of growing is coming to an end and the time of harvesting is around the corner. I am excited.
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[26 Jun 2005|01:04pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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| doing better |
[26 Jun 2005|11:56am] |
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mood |
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groggy |
] |
The power nap definately helped. I just made a pot of coffee and gonna drink some of that and continue doing laundry. I want to get some posts done for some of the games I am in and of course my new game I started.
I also made a decision last night to return to locking my livejournal. If I don't have you friended but you want to be added just let me know. As some of you have learned even if I don't know you all that well, if you let me know you want to be added, I go ahead and do it. It is always nice to make new friends.
*sips coffee and hugs everyone*
I hope to get some writing done with my wonderful partner. *muwahs* spiritofstlouis hmmmmmmmm I wonder if he made our one on one community. *giggles* I prob should pester him.
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[26 Jun 2005|11:26am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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oh wait it is almost noon. I did go to bed early last night and was up around 8am. Right now I am dragging. My poor legs and body are sooooooooo sore. I was sitting on the floor in my new room and on my knees bending over to reach something and I realized my knees were rug burnt from yesterday.
Yes Aunt DeeDee will get down on the ground and crawl around and play with her niece and nephews from barbie dolls to races match box cars.
My muscles are probably all sore because of all the liftign and packing. I am trying to becareful because I did have surgery and had my gall bladder removed and I am like on some kind of lifting restrictions. Ugh............I hate being limited and only being able to do so much and not as much as I would prefer.
I am trying to get motivated to work on the apartment and packing a few stray items and the simple task of waking up. My eyes just keep wanting to close and let me doze off. Right now even the floor is looking good to me. I just want to lay down there and rest.
Ya know what I am going to do just that. Sometimes even a power nap does wonders
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